I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing