So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Match dot com, but for socks.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?