My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie