@TheCatWhisprer

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

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@blonde_opinion

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

@DearAuntAbby

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

@robdelaney

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

@GrantTanaka

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

@SlimWines

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

@daemonic3

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

@curlymalloy

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

@patnspankme

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

@djdarrellripley

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.