@TheCatWhisprer

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

You Might Also Like

@tastefactory

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

@AbbieEvansXO

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

@beefman138

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

@TheyCallMeMaaaa

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

@dumbbeezie

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

@kindminds_

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

@_wangwe

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

@cookie_mumbles

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

@leftarmisme

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”