@_Happy_Gilmore This makes total sense…
@TheCatWhisprer They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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@_Happy_Gilmore 
@blonde_opinion Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
@DearAuntAbby Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
@robdelaney “Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
@GrantTanaka me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
@SlimWines Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
@daemonic3 What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
@curlymalloy When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
@patnspankme Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
@djdarrellripley Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.