They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*