@tastefactory Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
@TheCatWhisprer They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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@tastefactory 
@AbbieEvansXO [Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
@beefman138 People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
@TheyCallMeMaaaa *In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
@dumbbeezie Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
@Home_Halfway Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
@kindminds_ I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
@_wangwe Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
@cookie_mumbles Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
@leftarmisme Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”