They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

You Might Also Like


Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*


[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what


People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?


*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”


Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women


I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?


Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.


Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?


Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”