I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
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I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
me logging onto twitter
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
We need more people like this.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*