Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
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Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
North and South
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God