Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I hope it’s French Onion!
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first