Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
they split up moments later
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Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Yup
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After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
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imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.