Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
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Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
#parenting
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!