[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
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dam girl
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.