quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
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As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
The Backseat Boys
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car