If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
You Might Also Like
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear