If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
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My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
who wants to go expliring
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Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
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A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I saw this ending much differently.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
She puts the hot in psychotic