I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
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[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*