When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
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I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
#StillHurts
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?