When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
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The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Haha good job!!
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Time for evil
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
“NO NOT FISH
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.