**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
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When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
How did we not see this back then?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.