How did we not see this back then?
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if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
just make the entire table out of coaster
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?