just make the entire table out of coaster
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I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane