just make the entire table out of coaster
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[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”![]()
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.