Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
This is a whole mood;
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees