“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.