I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.