Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
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“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ghost costume 😂
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.