I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
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*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!