$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
*launders Kohls cash*
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Print is alive and well!!!
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes