He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
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“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.