I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”