My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?