I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.