Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
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me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.