When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
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You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day