“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
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In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
new year update: losing everything but weight
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.