British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
You Might Also Like
THIS HEADLINE
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.