Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
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before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.