Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
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This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
same bro
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
felt that
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.