You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
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Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
🤣🤣🤣
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells