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Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Home is where your toilet is.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.