me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
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There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?