“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Peace was never an option
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky