“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
This is amazing.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Best seat on the street 😍
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
What number SPF blocks people?
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders