I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”