[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
You Might Also Like
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Crying is a sign of leakness.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.