“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.