I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
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HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
hey, alexa
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.