Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
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Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Um … Hot Wings please
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*