Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
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Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*