Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Love this one 😂🧟
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!