Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.