ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
You Might Also Like
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Girl, same.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
getting groceries
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Cinematography is my passion
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment