@JediGigi

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

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@GABBYdaAngSaya

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

@Pandamoanimum

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

@dogfather

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

@JediGigi

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

@backlon

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

@nthonyswan

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

@Fickle_Filly

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

@AmericanGent69

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

@HomeProbably

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”