OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
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Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Battery falling down a hole
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Saw your ex at the shops
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.