If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
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Covid like
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
broke down and did it
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.