“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
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“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I don’t hate children, just yours.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]