Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
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Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
a fate I wish upon no one
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”