Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
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A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them